The Anti-Guest List: Be On The Same Page

Upon first mention, it sounds harsh to talk about who you DON’T want at your wedding.  When it comes to choosing the guest list, it’s much easier to just count people as casualties of the trimming process than to admit that there are some that actually are blacklisted.  However, if there are people that you really aren’t okay with putting on the guest list, you need to be clear about that with your groom and any family members who may want to include them.

Of course, it can be an uncomfortable topic, but it’s crucial to your sanity to get it out of the way early, so nothing unexpected pops up.  Your wedding should be a day where you are surrounded by the people who love and support you; and you shouldn’t have to worry about anyone who has other thoughts or motives.  Have open dialogue with your groom about who you won’t be comfortable with at your wedding.

Common roles that populate this list:

1.  Exes.  Unless you and your spouse are both comfortable with exes and their current role in your lives, this can be very uncomfortable.  How often does anyone sit at their ex’s wedding and think about how beautiful the couple is, or how they’re meant to be?  Discuss this honestly, because nobody deserves that uncomfortable situation at their wedding.

2.  Friends/Family Who Don’t Agree With The Wedding.  Whether it’s your friend who has talked bad about your groom since the day she met him, or a friend of his; you don’t need to invite people to your wedding who clearly aren’t in favor of it.

3.  Friends/Family Who Are Unstable Or Disruptive.  This is a tough one to put as a general group, because not everyone has someone like this in their family, or in their life. If you have a family member or friend who is an alcoholic or has drug issues or anything that causes them to make scenes or disrupt gatherings, you are entitled to leaving them off of your guest list.  It’s touchy, but it’s a choice you may have to make sometimes to keep the peace and protect your day.

*When it comes to family, consider carefully.  As much as situations come where you don’t feel like you would even want them there, remember that families go through seasons, and you’ll always remember whether or not they were there.  Give them a chance to support you, and if they make it clear that they aren’t supportive, then you are validated in not inviting them; just give it serious consideration.

When it comes to your soon-to-be-in-laws, let that be your spouse’s decision.  Even if his sister has hated you since day one and that’s uncomfortable, let it be his decision.  To show respect to his family (especially when you feel that they don’t deserve it) is to show respect to him.  Also, wouldn’t you rather be the sister-in-law that was gracious and forgiving than the wife who separated the family?  Even if you would be validated in taking that step, resist, because you don’t want that kind of resentment.

As for anyone else (besides family), I say it’s YOUR day, and don’t invite anyone based on obligation or fear of hurting feelings.  Weddings are expensive, they are important, and (for some) once-in-a-lifetime, so don’t let anyone else’s feelings override those of yours and your groom’s.

The Awkward Decision: No Kids or Pro-Kids at your Wedding!

So, you’re in the heartfelt moment of giving your vows, which you wrote personally for each other.  Tears are forming as you listen to your groom promise to always protect you and love you and only you for the rest of his life, when a loud scream emerges from the mouth of your two-year-old nephew (who is crying because he just ran out of the fruit snacks mommy snuck in her purse to keep him quiet).  That moment is the fear of many brides, and the reality of many weddings.

If you are a laid back bride, maybe you would just chock this up to kids just “being kids” and wouldn’t be bothered by it.  Maybe you feel like it would contribute to the sweet memories of the day. 

However, you don’t have to be a bridezilla to be someone that is in the awkward situation of taking precautions to avoid this.  Unfortunately, you don’t have a ton of options.  You can either invite kids or you can not invite kids; but you can’t pick and choose.  It’s bad etiquette and might make some relationships awkward if you make the rule that children aren’t allowed, and then select some of the kids you have deemed to be better behaved that are permitted to come.  In this sticky situation, it’s all or nothing.

Many brides are torn on this issue because they don’t really want kids there, but they don’t want to hurt feelings; or they are torn because they want their favorite niece there, but not other kids.  Who can blame you?  It would be much easier to forgive your god-daughter than the daughter of the boyfriend of your third cousin twice removed for an unexpected outburst!  Some brides feel guilty about out-of-town guests who may not have an option for their kids.  An option that you may have here is to arrange a group child-care option for your “I do” day.  Even if it’s only for the ceremony and then you have children at the reception, you’ll have your interruption-free ceremony and the presence of your favorite kids at the reception.  It may take some preparation on your part, but it could be well worth it to show the families you love that you’re considering them too.  It’s not a must, by any means, but is a very thoughtful accommodation to make.

Plenty of brides know exactly where they stand on this issue, and whether pro-kids or no-kids, you’re confident in your decision.  For the rest of you, just think about what you really want and make your decision accordingly!

Wedding Sentiment: Make Peace to Have Peace!

It goes without saying that your wedding is one of the most important times of your life. Spoken from experience, you’ll never forget who was with you and who wasn’t on your wedding day.  You don’t want to be at odds with someone who matters to you, so I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to work things out, to keep that time of your life from having added tension.

I know, I know, the thought process comes to mind that if someone in your life isn’t going to work to be a part of it, then it’s their loss.  I thought the same way.  The truth is, though, that it’s your loss too.  If you do your best to mend what needs mending (on your part), and it still doesn’t work, then you need not ever feel guilty; but it’s important to give it a chance (especially when it’s family).

My father was not an active role in my life, and he didn’t agree with who I was marrying (based on race), and I was VERY validated in not inviting him, and dead-set on it.  Someone that I greatly look up to encouraged me to “extend the olive branch” and write my father a letter.  I did so, and told him that I only wanted him to come if he could support me and be a positive presence on the most important day of my life yet.  I pretty much did it to clear my conscience and make sure I did things right, but my letter ended up leading to my father being more supportive than he’d ever been in my life, humble and apologetic.  His whole attitude about everything changed because I took some great advice and went out on a limb.  I thought he would never change his mind, and I really didn’t care that much, in the moment.  Seeing things now, I can’t imagine how I would have felt not giving him the chance to make it right.

Resist the urge to be a bridezilla and cross people out of your life.  Even if you don’t see yourself being sad that someone isn’t a part of it, you never know.  Seasons come and go, and if you and that family member/friend work it out you’ll wish it had happened before your wedding day.

And if you’re not the bride/groom, but the family member that is at odds with someone important in your life who is taking this big step; put it aside and do what you can to make peace.  If you can’t stand your brother’s soon-to-be-wife, get over it and work on the relationship.  You taking a stand won’t do anything but alienate you from the life of someone you care about; this is an exciting time you’ll never forget, and posting yourself up as one of the people who makes this time about you or your feelings will be something you can never take back.  They will be your family, so you can spend this time being stubborn, or you can spend it getting to know them and working through your differences.  Be supportive, and if your heart is in the right place, it all should eventually work itself out.  If not, you still won’t have any regrets!