To Trim or Not To Trim: Solving Your Guest List Dilemmas!

One of the more daunting tasks in planning your big day is collaborating with your husband-to-be and compiling a list of candidates to make the cut of wedding guests; and then, together, narrowing the list.  This can be touchy, because you know your mother will be mortified if your third cousin twice removed and her new husband (and his kids) aren’t invited; and your fiancé has made up his mind that his college football team should all be on the wedding guest roster.

Photo from Vivid Blue Photography

From invitations to wedding and reception venues and catering, the size of the guest list largely affects the cost of your wedding.  Whether it is that you know that a smaller wedding is what your budget allows, or you desire a more intimate environment with 50 guests, it’s hard to deal with the idea of hurting the feelings of so many people you love by leaving them out of your wedding day.  

If you’re having a big wedding, what is your reason for keeping so many guests?  If you’re going to have to sell your plasma to pay your catering bill, it better be because you’ve dreamt of the crowd, not because you would feel guilty leaving anyone out.

Another option, if you can’t decide, is to have your big wedding, and invite a much smaller number of people to your reception.  There may still be some hurt feelings, but everyone will get to see you and your groom exchange vows; and you get the intimate reception with a significantly smaller catering bill and a group small enough you won’t be swallowed by it.  This infographic from the Knot presents a great thought process:

If you do have a small wedding, maybe you could send out a wedding announcement to those who would have been invited if it were larger... one that looks similar to the invitation and just lets those you love know that they weren’t forgotten!


Your big day is just that, YOUR big day.  You share it with the people you want to, and will treasure the memories forever.  Consider who exactly it is you want to share the memories with, on that day, and make your decision accordingly!

  

The Anti-Guest List: Be On The Same Page

Upon first mention, it sounds harsh to talk about who you DON’T want at your wedding.  When it comes to choosing the guest list, it’s much easier to just count people as casualties of the trimming process than to admit that there are some that actually are blacklisted.  However, if there are people that you really aren’t okay with putting on the guest list, you need to be clear about that with your groom and any family members who may want to include them.

Of course, it can be an uncomfortable topic, but it’s crucial to your sanity to get it out of the way early, so nothing unexpected pops up.  Your wedding should be a day where you are surrounded by the people who love and support you; and you shouldn’t have to worry about anyone who has other thoughts or motives.  Have open dialogue with your groom about who you won’t be comfortable with at your wedding.

Common roles that populate this list:

1.  Exes.  Unless you and your spouse are both comfortable with exes and their current role in your lives, this can be very uncomfortable.  How often does anyone sit at their ex’s wedding and think about how beautiful the couple is, or how they’re meant to be?  Discuss this honestly, because nobody deserves that uncomfortable situation at their wedding.

2.  Friends/Family Who Don’t Agree With The Wedding.  Whether it’s your friend who has talked bad about your groom since the day she met him, or a friend of his; you don’t need to invite people to your wedding who clearly aren’t in favor of it.

3.  Friends/Family Who Are Unstable Or Disruptive.  This is a tough one to put as a general group, because not everyone has someone like this in their family, or in their life. If you have a family member or friend who is an alcoholic or has drug issues or anything that causes them to make scenes or disrupt gatherings, you are entitled to leaving them off of your guest list.  It’s touchy, but it’s a choice you may have to make sometimes to keep the peace and protect your day.

*When it comes to family, consider carefully.  As much as situations come where you don’t feel like you would even want them there, remember that families go through seasons, and you’ll always remember whether or not they were there.  Give them a chance to support you, and if they make it clear that they aren’t supportive, then you are validated in not inviting them; just give it serious consideration.

When it comes to your soon-to-be-in-laws, let that be your spouse’s decision.  Even if his sister has hated you since day one and that’s uncomfortable, let it be his decision.  To show respect to his family (especially when you feel that they don’t deserve it) is to show respect to him.  Also, wouldn’t you rather be the sister-in-law that was gracious and forgiving than the wife who separated the family?  Even if you would be validated in taking that step, resist, because you don’t want that kind of resentment.

As for anyone else (besides family), I say it’s YOUR day, and don’t invite anyone based on obligation or fear of hurting feelings.  Weddings are expensive, they are important, and (for some) once-in-a-lifetime, so don’t let anyone else’s feelings override those of yours and your groom’s.

Printed On Paper=Set In Stone

So you’ve set your wedding date and you’re ready to start knocking out projects, but hold off on save-the-dates and stationary until you’ve gotten a few important things squared away:

1.  Lock In Your Wedding/Reception Venue.  Many people have to change their date because they don’t put down their deposit and lock in their site soon enough, or they decide their date and can’t find an opening at a venue they’re happy with for that date.  You don’t want to print your wedding date and have to reprint all of your save-the-dates. Save yourself the trouble of the 2nd string of save-the-dates and the explanations that go along with it, and don’t print your date on anything until it’s SET.

2.  You’ve Checked With Important Parties.  This is an odd one.  Of course you don’t need to pick a date that everyone approves of; but if there are people that you would be heartbroken to not have there (say, heartbroken enough to consider changing the date, like a parent or sibling), double-check with them before making your W-date official.

3.  Your Guest List.  Okay, so you don’t need to know your guest list before printing the save-the-dates, but you definitely need them before you address and send them.  Why? Until you decide on the size of your wedding and exactly who will be invited, you won’t know who to send the save-the-dates to.  You may have a general idea, but it’s extremely impolite to send anyone a save-the-date who may not make the cut of the guest list.  Save yourself that awkwardness and wait!

So, before you make that date official and print it on anything, make sure these bases are covered, so you don’t have to go through the process of having to change your plans.  It’s anticlimactic for your guests, and stressful for you.  As much as you want to get things moving and get your save-the-date in the hand of your guests, get these things sorted out first so you don’t have to REdo it later.