Choosing Your Bridesmaids: A Guide to Being a Supported Bride!

Photo from Di Candia Fashion

By definition a bridesmaid is one who attends to the bride at a wedding, or helps.  For us seasoned wedding goers, we know that the title carries many specific roles that aren’t necessary included, and aren’t often elaborated on.  So how do you choose your bridesmaids, and how do you get the experience you want, pre-wedding, without cracking a bridezilla whip and ordering their every detail to your liking?  There are many things to consider.

A few things to you should know:

1.  More Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Merrier.
When picking several bridesmaids, you have more people to consider every step of the way.  More people’s schedules to work with for events.  More people to check up on to make sure dresses are ordered.  Also, potentially the opportunity to have to mediate when different personalities have different ideas and plans for your pre-wedding festivities, bridesmaid dresses, etc.  It’s not going to ruin your wedding to have an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen (it’s become increasingly more common, actually), so don’t feel pressured to pick anyone out of guilt or pick anyone that you don’t really want to share that day with just to balance our your groom’s football team of groomsmen.

2.  Bridesmaids Are Helpers.
It’s important to pick people that you love and that you can imagine being in your life for the long haul.  With that being said, it’s important to pick people that you know will assist you and not take away from the experience.  Let’s be real here, some friends are givers and some are takers.  As much as you love her, your diva-of-a-coworker having her feelings hurt that you didn’t ask her to join is not a good enough reason to include her, allowing her to make the best season of your life about herself.  Ideally, we’d like to assume that everyone would know that a bride’s wedding is the one thing that no one should sabotage; but the truth of the matter is, there are many opportunities for an unruly bridesmaid to disappoint you, from lack of interest and participation in showers and events to tantrums about the dress that looks amazing on her but isn’t working for everyone else, and to the one who fails to recognize that you’re paying for an entire wedding and still drops hints that your wedding is a financial burden to HER.  Consider the personality types of those you pick.

3.  Pick At Least One Seasoned Bridesmaid.
The first-time bridesmaid, in most cases, doesn’t know the extent of their role.  They don’t know that aside from the specific duties, there is much more they can do to contribute to the time of your engagement and wedding planning.  As willing as they may be, they may not know to research the duties and expectations and traditions that make that time so memorable.  If at all possible (if there is anyone that close that you would consider), select someone who has been a bridesmaid, a maid of honor, or even a bride before.  Not because the inexperienced care for you less, but because someone who has been through the process knows what a difference it makes to have a supportive team around you.  This one experienced person in the mix can throw out suggestions spurring ideas for the others, and indirectly teach the others how to be a helpful and contributing member of the wedding party!

4.  Pick Someone Who Knows You.
Someone who knows your taste in decor, and someone who knows your personality and perspective.  In some situations, a bridesmaid becomes a buffer.  Whether it’s distracting your crazy friend from trying to make a toast by asking them to dance, or trying to round out a situation where no one agrees on a bridesmaid dress, you’re gonna need an advocate who you can  trust... one that won’t let you be the bad guy.  Conflict can quickly turn a blessed event into chaos, so have a peacemaker in your corner, able to deflect in a moment’s time.

5.  Be Straight Forward With Your Bridesmaids.
Let them know that you’re hoping that they become friends (if they aren’t already), or that you hope that they can set aside any differences they have and work together and be happy for you.  Let them know that you want memories with them through the process, not just memories with your groom, and that, to you, it’s a big deal to have them in your wedding.  They’re not there as a formality but because they mean a lot to you.  On a practical note, let them know exactly what you DON’T want (strippers at the bachelorette party, an all inclusive lingerie shower-so you can avoid your grandmother watching you unwrap wedding-night accessories).  You may not want to be a control freak, but it’s much more light-hearted to let them know ahead of time than to end up resenting them or end up in a meltdown later on because nothing went your way.  LET THEM KNOW.  They love you and will want to do things in a way that makes you happy!

Being a bridesmaid is so much more than just standing with you on your wedding day.  It’s a big and important job.  Make sure you choose the people who will be considerate of you and the others, and add to the experience for you.

The Bridesmaid Role: Responsibilities That Come With The Title

One of the disservices that Hollywood’s love of weddings has done us is the glamorous depiction of being a bridesmaid or maid of honor; which kinda gives real bridesmaids the impression that it can also be about them.  Bridesmaids, please note that the only time the wedding or your role in the wedding is about you is when it appropriately circles back to the bride (i.e. your toast about your friendship and how much it’s meant to you, and how you wish them happiness... see how it circled back?).  The ultimate goal is selflessness.

First thing to remember:  A bride choosing you to be a part of the biggest day of her life is showing that she trusts you and values your role in her life.  The bride asking you is an honor, not a favor she’s asking of you.  It’s your honor, and your responsibility; so only accept the invitation if you’ve considered that and are willing to rise to the calling!  Once you’ve accepted the title, you’ve accepted all of the responsibility that it entails.  Don’t know what those responsibilities are?  Lucky you!  We’ve decided to let you in on the (often unspoken) rules of the role you’ve found yourself in.

Responsibilities of Bridesmaid:

1.  Support the bride’s vision for her wedding!  Don’t discourage her from going the direction she wants, even if that means you wear a dress you don’t love, or even like. Some brides let you pick out your own dress or have say in the dress.  If that’s your bride, be grateful; don’t get power-crazy and try to steamroll over the style and theme of the wedding. If there are rules about hair, makeup, etc. for the big day, stick to them.  Pushing limits and not doing what the bride asks of you only makes you look like you’re trying to make her big day about you.  Don’t try to incorporate your own style into it (unless she tells you to), this wedding is an expression of she and her groom... not of you.  If she asks your opinion about something, be honest (but not ever brutal).  If she's asking your opinion that usually means she’s considering it, but not 100% sure.  Never express dislike for something that she didn’t ask your opinion about.

2.  One of the most obvious responsibilities of a bridesmaid is to buy your dress for the wedding (and shoes)!  If this may be too much of a financial burden for you, you maybe should consider not accepting the title of bridesmaid, or speak to the bride about it. There’s no denying that situations arise (like the Kristin Wiig in “Bridesmaids”, I too, once lost my job after committing to be in a wedding), but the bride is already budgeting for an entire wedding, and doesn’t need to feel like she needs to pay for your dress, too.  Ask a family member or friend to spot you the cash, or trade a service (like babysitting) to pay off the debt.  A lot of major bridal shops offer financing, so paying for it over time could be an option too.

3.  Planning the Bridal Shower/Bachelorette Party!  This can be an expensive project if one bridesmaid carries the financial side of things, so it’s best to divide it between bridesmaids.  That’s not all of the responsibility though, there are many more.  From the guest list, to the invitations, decorating, food, games, and themes, there’s a lot of time involved in planning, too. Maybe if you’re struggling with the financial responsibility, explain that to the bridesmaids and offer to take on more of the time-consuming responsibilities.  A bridal shower should be a reflection of the bride’s style and personality, so make that happen in whatever way is appropriate for her (within means).

4.  Keep It Drama Free (to the best of your abilities).  So maybe you don’t like her sister and can’t even imagine having to plan a shower with her.  It doesn’t matter.  Your love for the bride should be more important than any negative feelings you have toward anyone else.  It’s a big deal for a bride, when people from all different aspects of her life come together, and it’s a nightmare if it leads to drama that makes her important time awkward.  Maybe she understands your personality and laughed at your “doesn’t play well with others” attitude in college, but please believe she doesn’t want it to disrupt the unity of this precious time with people she loves.  If there is any conflict, diffuse it as quickly as possible by being a part of the solution and not the problem.

5.  Catch All!  Being a “catch-all” means you accept any last minute responsibility you are able to, be it last minute decorating the reception hall, wrapping the favors in tulle circles or distracting the crazy aunt that stresses out the bride.  The sole responsibility of the wedding is not on you, but being a close friend/family member of the bride, you probably know best which things she really needs.  As long as you’re focused on it being her big day, it should all come very naturally to you.

Above and beyond that:  Just support the bride.  If you’re married, you understand how stressful the wedding planning process can be.  If you aren’t, try to sympathize anyway. Trying to budget and orchestrate the biggest day of your life, and do it to the standard you’ve set for yourself is a huge feat.  This is a time where plenty of people seemingly come out of nowhere (family members, in-laws, opinionated friends) and try to impose their ideas and opinions on you and often pick at the ideas and opinions you have for yourself.  It’s easy for most personalities to get so caught up in trying to make everyone happy that they forget what it’s really about and feel the stress, even in their relationship with their fiance!  The best thing you can do is be supportive of her and be someone that is a source of peace and not stress, whether that is getting her to laugh in a stressful moment or helping her finish a wedding project so she can go have a much-needed night out with her future husband.  SUPPORT her by being by her side.

Obviously, if you are a bridesmaid that lives far away and is flying in a few days before the wedding, not all of these responsibilities apply to you.  But for the rest, these are all definitely things to consider BEFORE accepting the title.  Most brides don’t want to be a bridezilla, and want to be viewed as a gracious bride, so it’s uncomfortable giving a list of demands.  We did it for them.  Proper Bridesmaid Etiquette, right here in plain text.

It’s important to consider it all, because the “office” of bridesmaid is not one that should be held half-heartedly.  Trust me when I say, a bride never forgets who was there for her through this important time; but it’s also a tough thing to move past when someone you love isn’t supportive or considerate through it.  This is the one day of her life that everything is allowed to be about her, so go into it knowing that.  That this is a time that should make your relationship stronger, but it will have the opposite effect if you don’t make an effort to contribute to this important season of her life.