More recent etiquette has declared that it is no longer necessary or even traditional for a man to ask a woman’s father for her hand in marriage before he proposes. To some, this is a shock, and even regarded as disrespectful. To others, it seems like a step out of archaic and into modern times.
When this tradition was most common, brides were moving from the home of their parents into their home with their new husband upon their marriage; so the groom was asking the father to essentially “give away” his daughter. To some that sounds romantic. I heard it referred to by one etiquette expert as insulting and sexist (as she said, this is her opinion, not the etiquette answer). But that’s an interesting perspective to take, that to “give away” your daughter as a possession and insist on being the decider of her fate is to dismiss her right and capability of making her own decisions.
Since then, times have changed. People are waiting longer to get married, and often establishing themselves before they do so. Most move out and live with roommates or even on their own, and have their own life. Some live far away from their families and don’t see them often. Many come from broken homes, or aren’t involved with their father enough for his opinion to factor in. This tradition seems to possibly have lost it’s relevance and become outdated.
The results of a poll I posted recently show that most people don’t see it as necessary anymore, but still view it as a nice thing to do. My question is, isn’t it rude to ask permission for something, when the answer won’t effect your decision? It’s considered very impolite to invite guests to your wedding who you are hoping won’t come; so isn’t it actually more disrespectful to patronize the father of the groom by asking permission if you don’t think you need it? What do you do if he says no? If your plan would be to continue to move forward with proposal and wedding planning, regardless of his answer, then you most likely shouldn’t be asking for his permission.
My personal opinion on this, to each their own. For me, personally, my father hadn’t played an involved role in my life, so his approval wasn’t important to me. However, I had a friend whose parents didn’t approve of the man she wanted to marry, and she honored that; she brought him around and waited until they realized he was right for her. Some women nowadays don’t even take their man home to meet their family until it is that serious, and even then, it’s not for long enough for the family to really get to know him. To some (like my friend), family is the most important factor, and they would never consider marrying someone who their family didn’t agree with. For the former, the question before the question may not be necessary; for the latter, it’s maybe more appropriate. If she feels like she needs her family’s approval, so should her groom. Maybe instead of the direct asking, he can get to know them and “state his intentions” (another old tradition, but one that seems to not have lost it’s relevance).
Note: Having a good relationship with in-laws can be tricky. Every family has it’s own dynamic and culture, and for an outsider entering a new family without the history with them, it can be tough trying to understand and be understood. Love and respect are usually universal concepts; and if you always show consideration and respect, you’re far more likely to have a smooth ride. To love and respect your spouse is to love and respect their family. I learned this from my husband. When we were engaged, and my father was being indignant and difficult about me marrying him, he told me that I didn’t need to worry and said, “no matter what he says or does, I won’t disrespect him, because that’s your father”. He didn’t beg for my father’s approval, or try to change his mind; he showed love, respect, and consideration; and this won my father over in spite of his biased predisposition.
So is it necessary? I don’t think so, but finding a way to honor and respect the family of the one you love can only bring positive energy to your family!
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